


Curst VicFic:  The Ping Pong Bomb Trick

by vics-spicy-jalapenis (donprisciotte)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Cursed, Epic, F/F, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Robot Sex, Squick, Stylistic Suck, i stopped caring abt English grammar after all Vic's bad spanish don't @me, inappropriate food comparisons, moresome, questionable, spanglish, yet another proof that Tex is the best, you're gonna wish it was out of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 11:16:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14933193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donprisciotte/pseuds/vics-spicy-jalapenis
Summary: Parody RvB porn fic (tribute to Crunchfics). Tex and Kaikaina, right before her medical check-up, argue over the role of THE girl of Blue Team. There is only one way to gain the appreciation of the boys, and they're going to settle it right now...Today's ship: Church/Andy/Tex/Sister/Doc!





	Curst VicFic:  The Ping Pong Bomb Trick

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ecstasasaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ecstasasaur/gifts), [terminis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terminis/gifts), [BloodBagguettesBlood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodBagguettesBlood/gifts), [ednoppoz (zopponde)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zopponde/gifts).



Doodely dudes and dudettes, remember when the Reds and Blues were stationed in Blood Gulch, fighting O'Malley, just standing around and talking? Those were good times.  
…Yep, it sure has been lots of time, tiempo de mucho, mucho tiempo, but there’s still a question that went unanswered about right before Sister got her examination and Captain Flowers got revived and showed up. What was Andy doing?  
  
*season 14 opening theme music*

 

“Okay, listen up right now, because next time I have to say this to you I won’t use words and I will just shoot you in the head. You see, Tucker is an idiot – well…They’re all idiots, BUT if you want to get popular with the excuse of this medical exam, I swear to God…”

 

“Aw, come on, Tex!” the chiquita banana Kakaina chick wasn’t having that negativity. “It’s like the doctor guy said, it’s a routine thing, nothing to worry about. Plus I think we should become pals, like, I see you got a gun kink going on and we could bond over that!”

 

“Yeah, right…Wait, what?”

 

“Sister is right.” Tucker wiggled his sword in anticipated frustration,  that Tex muchacha was killing his horny mood like a cucaracha in his burrito “You shouldn’t interfere with the exam, it’s an important thing – fuck yeah, a duty that I wanna do for a change!”

 

“Tucker, you know that you’re not coming with us, right?” commented the uncool medic dude, who was there with the three of them. Not cool, dude.

 

“Ohoh, trust me, dude, I’m definetely coming too, bow-chicka-bow-bow!”

 

At that point Tex just pointed her gun at that dude. “Shouldn’t you be looking after your disgusting kid instead of getting on my nerves?”

 

“Oooh, are you gonna shoot him?” Sisterina squealed excitedly “That’s hot!”

 

“Gun kink? Baby, I like your styl–” not even the time to finish that he got decked by Tex. That dudette needs to chill.  “Ow! What the fuck?!”

 

“Take Caboose and the alien for a walk and tell Church to come here. Now.”

 

“Ugh…Fine.”  
  
As the teal compadre walked away, Doc tried to break the silence.

 

“Um…So, uh, Tex…” 

 

“Yeah?” she turned around pointing her gun at him “N-n-nothing! Please don’t kill m– Oh, thank God you’re here, Church!”

 

“What happened? Do you have a new plan to kill O’ Malley?” frantically asked Church, another one who definetely needs to chill, as he arrived running.

 

“Forget O'Malley, we’re talking about ME now.”

 

“Oh, right. God forbid you think about someone other than yourself.”

 

“Oh, shut up, like you’re one to talk! Do I have to shoot you again?”

 

“Shoot me? And what good is that gonna do? It’s not like you can kill me, I’m already dead. And you know why I’m dead? Because of a HUGE FUCKING TANK THAT IS EVEN WORSE NOW BECAUSE IT’S POSSESSED BY AI SATAN AND IS WANDERING AROUND MY GODDAMN BASE!  So tell me, I’m all ears, what can POSSIBLY be more important than this right now?!”

 

Gilligan cut to the same blue-darinos inside the base (see what I did there? Pulled a cool storyteling trick. Really cool, dude.) .  Church had just witnessed something really, really, really cool, dude.

 

“Okay…I gotta hand it to you. That was gross, but pretty impressive. Is this all there is? You wanted to show me Sister’s ping pong ball trick?”

 

“Oh, so you agree it’s impressive?”  Tex crossed her arms. When a dudette crosses her arms it means you done fucked up, diddly dude!  And your amigo Vic would know something about it, but that’s a story for another time, just remind me to tell you, you pick up your tele-phoneo, you call me – 555-V-I-C-K! - and I go ‘Hello, yeah, hello dude, doodely dude, what’s going on dude?’, and you go like ‘ayy amigo, tell me the story’, and I’ll be like ‘no problemo, dude’. Easy peezy ketchup squeezy on your fries. Muy delicioso, dude. There you go. Now, back to Church.

 

“Yeah, I mean…Yeah…I…Wait. Is that a trick question? Tex, where are you going with this?”

 

“Oh, we’re gonna settle this right now. Doc, hand me the bomb.” The dark armoured muchacha pointed at the round compadre in the cornerino. That had magically appeared there as she pointed at it. Another really cool storytelling trick, dude.

 

“Woah, where did Andy come from? I thought the Reds had taken you.”

 

“How do you think I got here, fatass?” said round compadre responded, speaking in its round accent , no big dealio “I rolled here, just like you did!”

 

“For the last time, I have a robot body, I canNOT get fat!” 

  
“Not if you don’t want to cause an earthquake everytime you take a step! Zing!”

 

“Also, robots can TOTALLY get fat.” Sister added with a wisdom, with a sabi-doodely-duderia you can only find in some fortune cookie-o from a chino restaurant when you can’t eat spicy mexican food after you wrecked your toilet with chili. Bad memories, dude. “Trust me, I would know.”  
  


“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!”  
  
“That if you eat one more snack you’re gonna be the one exploding instead of me!” HA! Good one, Andy. I sure miss my round compadre, sometimes.

 

“Ugh. Just blow up and kill us all, already.”

 

“Finally!”

 

“Nononononono!” Doc stopped being chill too and panicked, handing our dear explodely dude to Tex “Andy, please, calm down. Now, I will hand you to Tex and she will explain her plan.”

 

“Here’s the plan: I’m going to remind to those who forgot that I am THE girl of Blue Team. And Andy will help me in this demonstration. Doc gets the camera, Sister licks my boots, and you, Church, are my whiny bitch as always.”

 

“What?! Are you serious?! We can’t –”  
  
“On the floor, Bitchboy.”

 

“Yes, mistress…” Churcherino sighed and complied. That doodely dude ain’t got idea what self respect is. As a fellow AI compadre – though it was a spoilerino at that point and he didn’t know but still, not cool, dude – I can only be ashamed. Anyway, Doc looked at Sister for help.

 

“Do…Do I get to join or do I have to just film?”

 

“Don’t worry about that, Doc!” Sister winked as she took off her boots and helmet and positioned to start her tonguita magic “I’m really good with my feet!”  
  
“Wow, y-you’re that flexible? Oh, alright then…Lights…Camera…Action!”

 

And that’s when the amazing stuff started to happen. Brace yourself, dude, it’s not like anything you’ve seen before, dude.

 

“What’s up, Tex, finally got an upgrade and got yourself a robot pussy? Because I’m pretty sure you didn’t have it last tim– Oh, nevermind, your clit switch is hug—Mmpfff!”

 

Not even the time for Andy to finish the sentence that Tex had shoved him up her taco, muffling his laments, to the amazement of everyone the base. A robot pussita sure takes time to warm up and doesn’t have the chili like texture that we all love, but it vibrates and can take bigger things in that space. You could even store a bag of doritos in there if you wanted, dude. But Tex had another plan, which she moaned as her robot loinerinos pulsated around the bomb:

 

“Church…Suck Andy. It’s an order.”

 

“What? I don’t even have a tongue!”

 

“Your visor…Aw, fuck, hurry up and open your visor.” she threw her head back in pleasure for a sec and glanced at Doc, whose Senor el Diquito was being worked by Sister’s caliente feet.  “Hey, you’re filming this, right?”

 

“Y-y-yeah, I…Ahh…I got it all on AaAAh, watch out, Sister, you’re gonna make me drop my camera! I have to give this back, I rented it.”

  
“Oh, don’t be a baby! Hey Tex, do you think next time you can ask your makers to give you robot toes?”

 

“That’s actually a good idea.” Tex grabbed her gun  and pointed it at Church “I see you’re still not sucking, that calls for drastic measures.”  
  
But then she didn’t even gave that dude the time to respond that she grabbed him with mucha violence by the helmet and just straight up smashed his visorino against the explodey compadre between him and her pussita. Wires came out of the smashed visor and started working Andy like a tonguita. Our yellow dudette was really into that.

 

“Mmmm…Damn, this is SO HOT.”

 

“Glad you like it.” Tex decided to point the gun at her for some reason, maybe because she thought it’d be hot, in that case she was right, muy caliente, like a jalapeno kind of hot, dude “Finger yourself with one hand and Church’s ass with the other, before I get up and  step on you. And you, keep filming.”

 

“Y-y-yes, madam…”  
  


Sister positioned better to do all the stuff she had to do, and as she slid her fingerinos into Church’s cold aged-picadillo-like textured robutt walls she made sure that he squealed like an armadillo. That paired with all that working, made Church go like crazy and his robot tonguita had made Andy keep rolling and rolling inside the muchacha’s robot taco, so much that the part where the sound came out was on the outer end again, to the horror of said Churcherino:

 

“Holy shit, Tex, how many balls have you taken?”

 

“ANDY, STOP TALKING, YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT!”

 

“Just shut up and keep sucking, dickhead!”

 

“Goddammit…”

 

“Heh, I should’ve known you were into dudes, dating Butch over here!”

 

“No, Butch Flowers is dead.” Our favourite yellow chiquita banana interrupted, missing the point as always “I came here to replace him, remember? What was he like, by the way? Was he hot?”  Gotta hand it to Floridudarino, there’s just something special about that dude, even if he isn’t physically there, somehow it always becomes about him when something cool is happening. Nothing but respect for that compadre.

 

“Please shut up, both of you.”

 

“Why, Andy, does this pussy feel like a dude to you?” Tex crossed her ams again. Bad sign for Andy, dude, but a good sign for the whole universe this time. Just lemme finish.  “In that case I might as well get you out of it.”  
  
“Woah, I was kidding, calm down.”

  
“Never tell a lady to calm down. Church? Sister? Stay back. I am ready.”

 

Everyone else in the room stood next to the wall to witness the robot taco magic, the pussita magic, the ping pong bomb trick: Tex took a deep breath and aimed to the entrance of the base. She was ready to shoot that dudarino from her pussita into space!  
  
“Hm.” she cocked her gun still in her hand “You guys are not cheering.”

 

And at that point the chanting started. All the blue-darinos were excited. The robot taco was about to do the thing, making Andy fly away as fast as a muchacha with no thigh strength would fall from a mechanical bull. Something extremely cool was about to take place.  
  
“TEX! TEX! TEX!” they all chanted in unison, except for Andy “TEX! TEX! TEX!”  
  
Andy was annoyed and still damn doodely defiant, but never dare contradict the Tex muchacha if you wanna live, it’s a big dealio, dude. “Oh no, you’re NOT doing this you stupid– BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!”

AWWWW, YEAH, DUDE! IT HAPPENED FOR REAL, DUDE! She shot that round compadre out of her pussitaquita like it was no problemo with the loudest coochie fart in history! And as her loinerinos went back to the original position and her bolts sounded like maracas, all the other blues just stared into the distance as the damn diddely dude was still flying at I don’t know how many miles per hour into the sky.  They all whispered “That was awesome.” still in unison.

 

The flying and screaming of our round compadre across the whole canyon (until he landed in the cave where the Reds found him) distracted that Tucker dude, who was just there hanging out with Caboose and with his alien kid, Tucker dude Junior.

 

“…Hey, Caboose.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Do you ever get that feeling that somewhere something amazing just happened?”

 

 

The End, dude.


End file.
